OSCAR FEVER IS UPON US. Since 1929 the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have been doling out little gold men for “outstanding film achievements”. We are quickly approaching the 78th go-round of glamorous dress, red carpet catwalks, music, entertainment, and stars, stars, stars. Inevitably the awards show will be “the talk of the town”. Though I’m not a huge fan of the Oscars, I am a big fan of movies in general. Good, bad, ugly, whatever. If it’s on a pre-recorded format of some kind and traditionally served with popcorn, I’ll watch it.

Being that I crave and consume filmed entertainment on a very regular basis (or the fact that I was the only one around when the topic came up), I’ve been asked to write a list of my picks for this year’s Academy Awards. After reviewing the nominees I came to a startling conclusion... I have seen very few of the films on the list. I’ve heard that this year the indies ruled the ballot. Local film enthusiasts will recognize that independent films have a way of sidestepping our mall-based cineplex. Instead of actually watching the movies in question, I will attempt to deduct, from trailers and careful analysis of the titles, which films I’d vote for.

Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Heath Ledger
Imagine the conversation with his agent:
Agent: “Heath, have I got a smokin’ role for you!”
Heath: “. . .”
Agent: “Gay...Cowboy!”
Heath: “Really?”

Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role:
Felicity Huffman
She’s new to the scene and playing a transsexual. Nough said. Oh, and she’s a transsexual.

Best Documentary Feature
March of the  Penguins
Don’t see it in France though, because apparently they had all the penguins talking – and in a French accent no less!

Achievement in Cinematography
The New World
I watched “Badlands” recently and was very much enrapt with the cinematography. I know what you’re thinking, “Terrence Malick didn’t lens either film, how can  you compare?” 
To that I say, “if you think the only person driving the imagery is the cinematographer than you’re sadly mistaken, my friend.”

Achievement in Music Written for Motion Picture
It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp
I’ve thought that countless times before.

Best Foreign Language Film
Tsotsi
This category could’ve been titled “Movies you’ll never see in Aberdeen without a Netflix subscription.”
 
Best Animated Short Film
“g”
Because it easiest to write.

Achievement in Costume Design
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
A daring color palette and welldressed Oompa Loompas.

Achievement in Film Editing
Cinderella Man
Thanks to the editing, I felt like I was the one taking the blows.

Achievement in Makeup
Star Wars:Episode III
Best Picture? No. Best Director? Hardly. Makeup? What the hell.

Achievement in Sound Editing
War of the Worlds
I knew my neighbors would start complaining the minute the opening credits were over.

Achievement in Sound Mixing
King Kong
Why are mixing and editing two separate categories? We’ll pretend that this one covers mixing of sound effects.

Achievement in Visual Effects
King Kong
“King Kong” crushed the competition for it’s accurate CGI portrayal of a misunderstood ape just trying to make it in a dog-eat-dog world.

Best Motion Picture of the Year
Brokeback  Mountain
Drum roll please... and the winner is... “Brokeback Mountain” for the best use of Randy Quaid in over 34 years.

And there you have it ladies and gentleman: Shaun O’Connell’s off-the-cuff, non-researched, completely un-biased, seat-of-the-pants Oscar picks.